Blog Guy, I read your blog every day, and I know you’ve helped many other readers fulfill life-long fantasies. I’ve always wanted to see a bunch of police doing the Hokey Pokey. Can you help me out?

Boy, you don’t ask for much, do you? We sent a choreographer and a photographer to China and after two weeks of practice, we shot this picture.

Crap. Did I say Hokey Pokey? I meant the Chicken Dance. Is it too late?

Go away and leave me alone.

Related post: The right rock

Paramilitary policemen take part in a training session at an military base in Nanjing, China, March 26, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

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Maybe he’s not quite the unluckiest guy alive, but he’ll do until Mr.Unlucky comes along. A shepherd in Russia is suing his country’s space agency after a 10-foot-long chunk of metal from a rocket fell into his yard, just missing his outdoor toilet.

He wasn’t in it at the time, but it’s still way too close for me. Would you want your obit to say you died when space rubble pulverized your outhouse? “Hold your horses, honey, I’m almost done! Can you toss in another roll of Charmin, so I can…”

That’s the kind of thing where the family makes up another story, like you went away to shoot an upcoming American Idol series or whatever. I’m pretty sure of one thing: every new outhouse they build there in the future will have a skylight…

Related post: No food? What kind of toilet IS this?

Royal flush? Britain’s Prince Charles walks out of a bush toilet during a visit to Australia in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/David Gray

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It seems from our video clip that this robber used hypnosis to make a grocery cashier empty a cash register and hand him the money. The good stuff never happens in my lane!

“How ya doin’? Ballpark Franks are buy one, get one free today.”

“Your eyelids are getting heavy…”

“The Del Monte fancy creamed corn is on special all week.”

“Heavy, they are getting so very heavy…”

“Here’s your coupon for a free Starbucks beverage.”

“Don’t forget my $2,000 cash-back…”

“You have a good one! Need any help getting all that cash out to the car?”

“No, I can manage it. When I’m out the door, cluck like a chicken!”

Sonia Legg’s video report

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About 400 people were trapped for more than an hour yesterday by a “mechanical fault” on that huge Ferris wheel, The London Eye. Our story says staffers were in touch with the victims, who were stuck as high as 450 feet in the air, via intercoms.

The stalled passengers were offered water, blankets and glucose tablets.

That’s good to know. Given my attitude toward heights, if that ever happens to me they can cover me with the blanket and pound me with water bottles until I stop screaming. Some fully charged tasers, a portable toilet and a parachute might also come in handy.

Here’s the thing. When these poor people finally got back to Earth they were given refunds. Refunds! No thanks, pal, you just hang on to that refund and add it to my generous settlement, okay?

Related post: Your whole stomach came out your mouth?

Woman’s hair is blown back by winds as she passes the London Eye in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Luke MacGregor

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After recently breaking huge stories about remakes of “The Birds” and “The Great Escape,” this blog has more Hollywood news. It turns out they’ve done a cheap remake of the 1984 Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah mermaid hit, “Splash.”

There are worrisome questions about whether the costume designer was wise to cover the female star from chin to floor. As the publicity photo below shows, she looks more like one of those big sea lions than Hannah’s sexy, playful mermaid.

Frankly, in the scene I watched, it took the new mermaid a painful 24 minutes to belly-flop her way from low tide to the beach. By then, Tom Hanks had called in a tip to the Gorton’s Fisherman Hotline (”Earn cash for finding fish“) and gone off for drinks with Meg Ryan. We all know how that will end up.

More movie news: Sound of Music sequel: Nun With A Gun!

(Above: movie poster)

Model shows a creation by Russian designer Natasha Glazkova during Moscow Fashion Week March 24, 2008. REUTERS/Alexander Natruskin

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Welcome to a feature we call “Euphemisms in the News.” The genuine photo caption here tells us “people try to avoid a bull which was set loose in the town center…as part of yearly celebrations…”

Um, do these folks not have access to the news? Doesn’t it seem a better way to avoid the bull would be to NOT come downtown that day?

You know, like take the bus to Barcelona instead. Or stay home and watch “Happy Days” reruns, or maybe join a group called “Citizens Against Releasing the Bull Downtown.” I don’t want to sound like Mr. Know-It-All, but I bet I could do a MUCH better job of avoiding that bull, year after year, than these people seem to be doing.

Related posts: “Let’s visit Spain and meet chicks!” and How to be a gentleman

People try to avoid a bull which was set loose in the town center of Vejer de la Frontera, southern Spain, as part of yearly “Toro Embolao” celebrations March 23, 2008. REUTERS/Anton Meres

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Well, the fashion industry says these clear cube bracelets will be huge this summer, but I don’t think so. Here are some problems I see:

• - You know how you buy a bag of fried pork rinds from a vending machine and they don’t come all the way down, so then you have to stick your hand up there and grab them? You try doing that wearing these!

- A summer accessory? Two words: sun magnification. We’re talking heat rash, second degree burns and wrists so puffy you’ll have to hack the things off with a saw!

- Think you can eat corn-on-the-cob wearing these? Think again…

- And finally, no matter what some slick ad campaign tells you, cheap clear plastic is not “the new platinum.”

A model displays an outfit of SLY at the Tokyo Runway 2008 Spring and Summer collection March 23, 2008. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Blog Guy, I’m looking for someplace decadent to go for spring break. I hear it gets very wild in Hungary. Is that true? Where is Hungary?

You mean the “sprinkling” ritual. Young men throw buckets of water on young women, but it’s not like you think. They also throw cologne and recite funny poems.

I don’t know any funny Hungarian poems. Do you?

Just that one limerick, “An actress named Zsa Zsa Gabor…” No, I can’t use that.

But the water thing is about getting “wet and wild,” am I right?

No, it’s about making the women fertile.

Fertile? Uh-oh, that’s not good. I’ll go to Acapulco, instead.

Related post: What happens in a fishing boat stays in a fishing boat?

Men in traditional outfits throw water on women in Mezokovesd, Hungary, March 20, 2008. Locals celebrate Easter with “watering of the girls”, a fertility ritual rooted in Hungary’s tribal pre-Christian past. REUTERS/ Laszlo Balogh

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard that most ducks are incapable of working as fashion models. Is this true?

No, that is a canard.

Hey! Did you set this up just to amuse your readers who know that a canard is both a false rumor and a duck?

Well, maybe that was part of it, but this video of a duck fashion show is stupid enough to use here even without the opportunity of awful humor. 

Related post: Use the puppy Dior, Precious!

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